Friday February 10th, 2017 was a hard day. We all have them, eh? On Thursday February 9th, I pretty much knew the next day would be a toughie. I’d been taking hCG home pregnancy strips daily ever since I’d had my 1st IUI on Friday January 27th. The 2nd line and gradually disappeared, which I had expected. But that 2nd line never reappeared. It’s reappearance would have signaled a positive pregnancy test…that I was pregnant.
My eyes strained for even the slightest pink 2nd line. I know I’m not alone in that boat. Thousands of women across the country, on a daily basis, do this very same thing.
We ask our sisters if they see a 2nd line. We ask for advice, encouragement, support, tips. We comfort each other with words. There are a lot of us. We women want to become pregnant. We want to have children. We want to raise human beings in this world. We know what a responsibility it will be. We are raising our hands and hearts to heaven and asking God to bless us.
Our husbands and partners are angels. They are walking alongside us in this journey, too. They are praying, peeing, making love to us, consoling us after a failed cycle. For some of us, they inject fertility meds into us, rub our tummies, help us inject Pre-Seed into our woo-woo. They have patience with our analyzing obsessively of our cervical mucus. They deal with our sudden and passionate requests to “just have sex NOW” because our fertile windows have opened and we a short time to DTD (do-the-deed/duty).
I did all of that, too. And, I will continue to do this…as long as necessary in order to have our children. The pain will be worth it. I know that.
When a cycle fails, like it just did on 2/10/17, I feel the pain most distinctly. I had been hoping. At one point in early February, I’d believed I just may have been pregnant. I had super tender boobs, my BBT temps were high, I was peeing like a racehorse. But as the days came closer to 2/10, I realized it was just from the elevated progesterone in my system due to the cream I was taking vaginally my doctor was having me take every day leading up to my beta test.
Friday morning was sobering. I went on a hike, and talked to God. I listened to podcasts. I did what I usually do. I ate a hearty breakfast. I’m committed to eating well, and will continue to nourish myself, despite my feelings. I talked with my husband, chatting about the Today’s Show. I told him how I was feeling though. He knew. He’d comforted me on the couch two days prior, when I told him I sensed I wasn’t pregnant…based both on the physical evidence (negative stark-white hCG strips, with not a semblance of a pink 2nd line for the prior 4 days, from 10 DPO to 14 DPO).
He’d just listened to me. Held my hand. Told me we’d try again and again until either our doctor says it won’t work or we reassess our chances. He told me he loved me and believed with all his heart that we will conceive and I will give birth to our children. I’d leaned my head on his shoulders, tears in my eyes and leaned closer into his warm and solid shoulders. I told him I believed him, and I do.
The waiting for our children is just hard though.
Perhaps that will help us love them all the more when they are here.
At 7:40 AM, I drove to our doctor’s. I was honest with her. With my head tipped down, I told her I didn’t think I was pregnant. Explained I’d taken HPT’s and used hCG strips and came up with stark white. The nurse still tried to be encouraging and explained how HPT’s and hCG sticks often cannot pick up hCG very well, but that blood tests can. She took my blood gently and kindly. I drove home.
Mid-morning, I got the call. I honestly wasn’t surprised by the results. Yet, having it confirmed made it more stone cold and set.
What did I do wrong? We had sex the day before the IUI. We weren’t supposed to at all. We can’t do that next time. Did I eat enough Omega-3 fats? Is my body betraying me? Is it saying “You’re doing a good job feeding me now since you recovered, but it’s still not good enough. You need to eat more. You need to do better. God isn’t going to bless you with children until you do REALLY good. You’ve got to. What happened to the eggs after they ovulated? Did Mike’s sperm not catch them? Did we not have enough of those swimmers in there? On Monday, my follicles were only 16mm. Did they not grow big enough between then and when we triggered? They needed to be bigger didn’t they? We should have pushed for getting them up to at least 20-25+mm. Is my cervical mucus not good enough? What can I do to make it more ample and hospitable, the best pH for Mike’s sperm. What can I do to be more fertile? Oh, God…please help me do everything I need to do to enable conception to occur! I know that I am only in control of so much. I know your Hand is in control of the rest. Please, explain and impress on my heart what I…what we need to do next time. We are fully ready and willing to do what it takes!
I know I’m not special.
Let me first break that statement down and has it out for you, as a reader.
I’m not “special” in that I’m no rainbowed unicorn, destined to become Oprah. I’m not entitled, privileged or “due” anything wonderful. I’m not “better” than any of the other women on the fertility boards, forums, in podcasts and in the blogs I read who also, like me, are desperately doing everything they can to become pregnant. Like them, I’m just trying my best to eat well, exercise, take supplements we’ve heard can help. We’re taking our fertility meds, injections, and making love with a new passion and intension with our beloved husbands. I don’t deserve a child or children biologically. I fully understand children are one of the most precious gifts any human being can be blessed and granted with.
But, something in me (I believe it is God) has told my soul and the deepest fabric of my heart that I will become a mother and give birth to our own children. God doesn’t look over His kids. Including myself and my husband. I don’t now why this journey has to be so challenging, so fraught with emotions, tears, hoping, waiting, testing, poking, crying, patience, more waiting, praying, yearning…
But what I do know in the core of my being is that this fertility journey, everything I and my husband are doing now, WILL be worth it.
So, I walk forward. We walk forward together. My husband, myself and God. We’re in this together.
I’m not going to quit before the miracle happens.
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Met on New Year’s Day 2015.
Both from the Pacific NW.
Engaged March 2015.
Married August 2015.
We are in our 30’s.
We are dealing with infertility.
1 in 8 couples do.
Many never share what they are going through.
Due to shame, fear or sadness.
We hope to be the stats and be blessed with children.
Please join us or continue to walk with us on our journey.
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